I went on the O.A,P.'s outing yesterday to see H.M.S. Victory, and on the poop deck there is a stone slab inscribed "Nelson fell here" - and I thought no wonder, I nearly tripped over the bloody thing myself!

So this rather buxom young girl was undergoing an examination by her doctor using a stethoscope.

"Big breaths" said the doctor. "Yeth, and I'm only thixteen came the reply.

I only drink to be sociable. Sometimes I'm that sociable I fall over.

A prominent theologian is claiming he's discovered how Jesus fed the five-thousand. .....................

He went to Judas's Carry-out.

Driving home out of London yesterday I saw a signpost which said "Golders Green three miles, but to you - two-and-a-half".

Apparently, there are now so many potholes on British roads that the police will breathalylise you if your seen driving in a straight line.

I always thought Britany Spears was what the Scots said to each other just before the battle of Bannockburn in 1314.

Which Medieval King made it possible to inflate car tyres?

Edward the Compressor.

I take on board SteveB's logical response that the authorities will most likely oppose any suggestion to reduce revenue derived from vehicle excise duty - BUT - consider this! If it is possible to instigate a system of charging electric vehicles (no pun intended) three pence a mile - then surely the...

Belt and braces - also apply threadlock.